The Ghost of Future Fatness

Like Ebenezer Scrooge in A Christmas Carol, I have just been given a glimpse of what my life could be like if I don't finally get my eating habits under control.

Last weekend I landed in the Emergency Room with chest pains.  It was not my first trip to the rodeo.  I've had "episodes" a few times in the past  year, but usually by the time I get to see my regular doctor, the pain has passed.  Each time I half heartedly promise  Dr. G  (who is clearly frustrated with me)  to lose weight and follow up with the cardiologist.  I  make resolutions like it's New Years Eve and swear to myself  that THIS TIME I will get my act together, lose weight and lower my risk factors for heart attack and stroke.

However, this past weekend the worried, adorable faces of my husband & two young sons  drove me to the ER after experiencing 36 hours of burning, stabbing pain right on top of my heart. This time I was truly scared that I'd waited too long and played Russian Roulette with my health one too many times.

While I was waiting for my bed to be ready, I stared my future right in the face.  I was sitting on the gurney looking directly at a woman who was hovering around 400 pounds (a weight which I am now able to recognize, thanks to all of those "Extreme Weight Loss" shows).

My heart broke for her. Although she wore an oxygen mask and had a green oxygen tank sitting next to her,  she was still audibly gasping for breath.  I surreptitiously glanced up as five big, strapping men struggled to move her from a wheelchair to the bed. 

 

A few hours later, as I was waiting my turn for the X-Ray tech, I could hear someone struggling to get into a position where they could take the obligatory ER chest X-rays.  They had to roll her from the stretcher, onto the X-ray table and it was not easy for anyone involved. When the patient came out of the room, I realized it was the same woman I'd watched being hoisted into bed.  I sat face to face with her, in our respective gurneys, each in our own quiet Hell.

I tried hard not to stare, because I didn't want her to think I was judging her. I truly wasn't. I silently prayed that she gets whatever physical and emotional healing she needs. But I wanted to make sure that her image was burned permanently into my brain. Because there but for the Grace of God, go I.

I've been thinking about her all week. Wondering how she's feeling. Wondering how she got to that place in her life. And mostly, when I've been tempted to make an unwise decision (skip my workout? Eat cookies for dinner?) I've been remembering the pained look on her face, the way the  tubes from the oxygen mask tangled around her, the rolls in the skin of her arms and legs, the classic hallmarks of diabetes and heart disease written all over her body. She was my  "Ghost of Christmas Future",  warning me of the dangers of  food addiction instead of monetary greed.   

We could actually re-enact all of A Christmas Carol  with any number of vices substituting for monetary greed. Whether our addiction is food, alcohol, drugs, gambling or too much Facebooking,  it affects our lives in the past, present and future. If we don't change our ways, we all travel down roads that end in sadness.

Whoever the lady in the blue muu muu  was, I'm grateful that we crossed paths. Her image (and the memory of my own miserable 8 hours in the ER) are keeping me on the straight and narrow. I finally saw the cardiologist this week. I dragged myself out of bed at 5:00 am to exercise. I made better choices most of the time.

 

As Tiny Tim would say..."God Bless Us, Every One!"

Attention All Smokers - I'm Sorry!

Smokers of the world, I owe you a huge, fat, fucking apology.

For  years, I was smug. I couldn't understand why smokers would knowingly  "take 7 minutes off their life" with every cigarette. I  arrogantly smirked at the stupidity of spending  thousands of dollars on a habit that would  eventually kill you.

School drilled the dangers of smoking into my head.  DON'T START the teachers and books would scream.  Smoking  is  a dirty, nasty habit that is almost impossible to quit.

 I watched in horror as family members who started smoking in their teens were barely able to walk at age 65 due to circulation problems in their legs and emphysema.  I would complain that Aunt Jane's house smelled terrible.

Ah, little did I know that the vice I was  addicted to was every bit as evil and insidious  as cigarettes.

My  Mother was my first enabler.  As a teenager, when I would voice a concern over my weight she would try to reassure me by saying  "Honey, it's true, you are  15 pounds overweight, you hate vegetables, you eat  too much sugar... but at least you don't smoke!"

Every visit to the doctor, I proudly answered  NO in capital letters to the obligatory "Have you ever smoked?" question.  I thought if I didn't smoke,  my health must be  OK.

I was wrong.

Now, in 2013, the U.S. is finally waking up and smelling the sugar.  The public  is beginning to get the message that being obese and addicted to junk food is just as dangerous as smoking. (Maybe even more dangerous and destructive, but I'll  leave that for experts to debate)

So to every smoker that  I  gave the stink eye  as you were standing outside, quietly killing yourselves...I'm sorry for judging you.  Frankly, I was doing an equally good job of killing myself, only I was hiding in my car ordering  fries at the drive through.  Being fat seemed more socially acceptable than smoking, since second-hand smoke can kill adjacent non-smokers, but eating a sleeve of Oreos for dinner only hurts myself.

But  the idea that  "Being fat doesn't hurt anyone else" isn't really true either.  The financial toll of America's  food addiction DOES affect everyone. We all pay for it in higher health insurance premiums and higher taxes to cover Medicare and Medicaid clients with diabetes and  heart disease.

My health problems certainly hurt my kids and husband. If I don't feel well, or we have to spend  extra money on medical needs or God forbid something horrible happens to me, my family suffers.  It's no different from second-hand smoke.

I'm now 42 years old, significantly overweight,  with several risk factors for diabetes and heart attacks.  I'm  feeling the physical effects of too many candy bars eaten in my youth.  I've lost sensation  in my right foot.  I've made more than one trip to my doctor and the ER due to chest pains that should have scared me straight. 

I am scared. My eating habits have definitely improved in the past few years, as I've matured and can now see and understand how bad choices affect my health.  I eat more vegetables and much less sugar. But, like all addictions, it is very difficult to go cold turkey and all too easy to slip back into bad habits after starting with an innocuous piece of birthday cake at the office party.  Next thing I know, like a smoker who has been on the patch for 3 weeks only to return to their pack-a-day habit,  I've eaten 1000 calories in a 30 minute binge after a stressful day.

I'm sure the smoker standing next to me on line at the grocery store  is wondering why I'm wasting my money on junk food  that will kill me eventually.  I couldn't agree with him more.

I Quit the Gym and Lost Four Pounds

Sometimes you need to chuck conventional wisdom aside and just figure out what works. Like many other people, I've been "donating" at the gym for years. I'm not one of those people who hates to exercise.  I actually like it a lot, once I finally stop making excuses and lace up my sneakers. But my gym membership was breeding stress, guilt and the downward spiral that comes with them.

Once exercise becomes "a thing", the excuses breed like cockroaches. If I'm going to drive fifteen  minutes to and from the gym, I feel like I need to stay at least an hour, which means I need to carve ninety minutes out of my crazy schedule. I don't like to go if I haven't showered, but showering before working out seems crazy. So instead of offending the person next to me on the treadmill with my "I have two young kids and haven't showered in 36 hours" funk, I just skip the workout. My optimum time to exercise is right after I drop the kids off at school, but that's when the gym is jam packed with other Moms who all have the same idea.  If I wait until later in the day when the gym is less crowded, it's too easy to get side tracked with errands. Sometimes the stars align and I'm ready to go to the gym, but I don't like the class offered that morning. Or my iPod isn't charged. I forgot to put my contact lenses in. I feel like a stuffed sausage in my workout clothes. The dog ate my homework.

Excuses, excuses, excuses.

Thankfully a friend of mine finally talked some sense into me. She said "Don't try to carve ninety  minutes out of your day. Just walk ten minutes in one direction. Then turn around and come home. Done." This idea sounded like heresy. Just walk? For only twenty minutes? What about the strength training? The yoga? The cross training? All of the things that have been drummed into our heads about exercise? But the truth was I spent a lot of time thinking about going to the gym, and not a lot of time actually AT the gym. Twenty minutes of actual exercise trumps zero minutes in the gym every time.

So I decided to give it a try. I forgot about the gym. I blocked out the $40 per month I was paying. Instead, I committed to myself that on the days I didn't work, I would exercise IMMEDIATELY after dropping the kids off at school. It didn't matter if I did a video at my house or went for a walk outside, I would do it at 9:00 every Tuesday and Thursday. Both the "too crowded" and showering excuses were cured - it was only me and my dog at my house and frankly he smells worse. I can't complain about the class offerings because I control the DVD player. If my iPod isn't charged, I can plug it in. I can't feel self conscious because there are no mirrors in my living room.

A funny thing happened. Once I found a routine and a way to quiet my usual excuses, I wanted to exercise more. I started bringing sneakers to work so I could fit in a quick walk one or two days each week.  After a few weeks I dropped four pounds. Without the gym. Without the blaring music and  overly cheerful instructor. Without the guilt.

Then I finally did the unthinkable. I wrote a certified letter and officially quit the gym.

"Mom, Why Are You So Fat?"

Oh Lord. My son's innocent question felt like a sucker punch in my zaftig stomach. Only I knew that, unlike adults or teenagers who have hurt me in the past, he had absolutely no idea that those words could hurt my feelings. He was just geniunely confused about why my biceps have the circumference of a Progresso Soup can.

I decided to go the honest route. I matter of factly answered him with "Because Mommy made a lot of bad decisions." I tried my best  not to put any emotion into it, but reminded him that there are consequences to the choices we make.  As a recovered bulimic and recovering compulsive eater, I know that there is a fine line to dance between teaching kids the importance of eating right and pushing them towards a future eating disorder.

I'm all out of  answers tonight, but wanted to share this story because it felt so universal. I'm sure similar episodes have played out in other American households. How did you handle it?

What the Diet Industry Doesn't Tell You

Fitness magazines and diet books have taught me a lot over the years, but I always felt like they were leaving out a giant piece of the equation. After devouring the latest dieting tome, I would excitedly plot out menus, shopping lists and exercise plans for the week. Yet two days later the plans would fall by the wayside and I'd be left feeling guilty, ashamed and frustrated that I couldn't seem to follow through.

In recent years the diet industry has added more discussion about healthy behaviors . In addition to the ubiquitous lists of approved foods and ever shifting focus from fat to carbs to protein, attention is now being given to habits that naturally thin people have. Advice like sticking to the outer perimeter of the grocery store (to avoid the packaged garbage in the center aisles), eating every few hours to regulate blood sugar, never skipping breakfast and not bringing trigger foods into the house are all excellent suggestions, but a major component is still missing: even after learning all of these tricks, many of us still have difficulty following through.

There have been many times where I’ve had an almost out-of-body experience, mentally screaming at myself to put down the 11th cookie and step away from the kitchen. I would get so fustrated. I knew what I should be eating to fuel my body properly, yet I continuously made terrible choices, even when I desperately wanted to change my diet.

After years of searching, I’ve finally found the missing link. I had to determine WHY I ate the wrong things (besides the fact that they taste delicious!) Like a detective, I recorded everything that was happening while I was eating, then scoured my emotional eating journal searching for clues. What were my triggers? What situations led to compulsive eating? What did I truly need, because it's not really about the food, it's about something in my life pushing me over the edge and feeling spiritually disconnected.

As I learned to solve my issues and become more spiritually awake, my compulsion to eat the wrong things honestly subsided. Notice I said "subsided", not "disappeared." Maybe someday I'll be able to be neutral about my favorite trigger foods, but for now I'm just thrilled with the progress I've made and the feeling that I'm finally on the right path.

Our emotional and spiritual health is the missing link that the diet industry rarely talks about. I understand why they don't. It's complex, it's ugly and there is no one-size-fits-all solution. “Learn to feel your emotions, communicate with your loved ones and process anger, fear and resentment like a mature adult” is not quite as sexy and simple as “Eat This to Have Rock Hard Abs!” But it's a vitally important part of the weight loss equation.

Are you a Compulsive Over Eater?

For years I've felt like an alcoholic who ate sugary confections instead of drinking tumblers of vodka. After decades of fumbling around in the dark, I finally found a program that addresses the compulsive nature of my disastrous diet. I finally have hope that I can get my life back on track and stop letting myself be controlled by food. This is the quiz that changed my life:

1. Do you eat when you’re not hungry?
2. Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason?
3. Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating?
4. Do you give too much time and thought to food?
5. Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone?
6. Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time?
7. Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone?
8. Is your weight affecting the way you live your life?
9. Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal?
10. Do you resent others telling you to “use a little willpower” to stop overeating?
11. Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet “on your own” whenever you wish?
12. Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime?
13. Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble?
14. Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition?
15. Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy?

I'm sure many of you think these questions are crazy and can't begin to fathom how some of us can think like this. Please don't judge - this post is not intended for you.

But if you feel like you can answer 'YES' to at least three of the above questions, let me introduce you to the program that is saving my life: Overeaters Anonymous.

It is a sister program to Alcoholics Anonymous in the same vein as Narcotics and Gamblers Anonymous. It is NOT a diet program, it is a program to help you learn how to make peace with whatever has power over you.

I don't want to speak for OA, they describe the program far better than I ever could. I just wanted to provide a resource for those who are seeking it. My life was out of control for far too long. I wish I'd found this program years ago.

If the quiz above had you thinking "Did she put a Nanny-cam in my house? How did she know!?", then let me reach out my hand and tell you hope is nearby. In addition to the traditional "face to face" meetings, OA has a long list of phone and online meetings also. The online meetings are a great way to test the waters and get a feel for the program. I have learned a tremendous amount in just a few weeks.

Check out www.oa.org
Good luck and welcome home.

The Benefits of Temporary Blindness

What do you do when reality threatens to derail your progress?

Yesterday was an unbelievably gorgeous day here in the Northeast. It's not too often you see the temperature hit 65 degrees on January 7th. As I raced around completing errands in the morning I mentally calculated that I had exactly 75 minutes to fit in a walk outside and a shower before taking my oldest son to a birthday party. After grocery shopping I burst through the door, rapidly told my husband the plan and was dressed and out the door within five minutes.

Forty five minutes later my lungs were full of fresh air, my head was clear and I felt  really happy. I was proud of myself that I had made the time to exercise  - something that is easily pushed off the agenda when life becomes busy.

The smile was quickly smacked off my face, however, as I caught an unexpected glimpse of myself in the mirror while climbing into the shower. I sucked in my breath as I remembered "Oh that's right, I'm still 50 pounds overweight." I felt the air leave my lungs, my stomach lurch and tears rise in my throat. Two seconds ago I had felt so good! My body felt strong and healthy. How could there be such a huge disconnect between perception and reality?

I was suffering from what I call "Dieter Dementia" - that unrealistic voice in my head that says "I've eaten vegetables, resisted the siren call of sugar and exercised for four whole days - shouldn't I be a size six by now?" It's easy to forget that it took me thirty years to get my body into this state. It's not going to magically morph in a few days' time.

Normally this frustrating moment would turn into a death spiral of emotional eating. But this time I decided that the best thing I could do for myself would be to pretend I was a racehorse and put some temporary blinders on. If my body felt strong, than I was going to stop looking in the mirror and focus on the fact that I was feeling physically stronger than I've felt in a long time.

I'm not advocating for ignoring reality, that's not healthy either. We need to be honest with ourselves about the state of our health. But if the image in the mirror is going to destroy a groove of healthy eating and exercise, than it's better to put some blinders on until the moment passes.

My Crisper: Where Good Vegetables Go To Die

Apparently I am running some sort of subsidy program for the Vegetable Farmers of America. Each  week I buy crisp, vibrant produce while visions of  soup, stir fry and salad dance in my head.  Yet three weeks later these once nutrient laden powerhouses lie limp, bruised and rotting in the bottom of  my fridge. The promise of nourishing meals having been erased by the realities of busy schedules, bad habits and picky palates.

Now here is where I should be offering inspirational ideas on how to change this travesty, but at the moment I don't have any. This is actually a huge problem in my house, one that I'm moving to the forefront of my health battle.

I CAN tell you what my new plan of attack is for this situation. An acquaintance of mine is a   certified health coach and hard core vegan. Who better to teach me how to use all those lovely green orbs than someone who only eats plants? So I've scheduled a meeting with her. I've also attended her free cooking classes at our local health food market. Honestly, the first class I was terrified of actually tasting the samples. I wanted to attend because her first recipe featured kale - something that is so unbelievably good for you, but it looks terrifyingly tough and bitter. As I put the kale on my fork I was like a little kid - wrinkling my nose and already planning how I could sneak the rest of my plate into the garbage without getting caught. To my surprise I honestly really liked it. I'm not saying it will become my go-to side dish, but I ate the entire portion and truly enjoyed it.

If you're interested in testing the waters of the nutritional powerhouse of kale, but are wary of its reputation, my coach turned me on to the magic of kale chips. They give the illusion of eating  potato chips, and are typically covered in a delectable cashew coating. This sounds like a sneaky way to get my tastebuds used to a new flavor and they are on my shopping list for this week.

So at the moment my plan to change my vegetable murdering ways consists of getting new ideas from a knowledgeable source, attending free classes to taste test professionally made samples, and looking for the simplest ways to start making vegetables a habit instead of a stress-inducing chore. I'll be sure to report back on my progress and I'd love to hear how you manage to seamlessly incorporate vegetables into your life.

A Su Salud! (To your health!)

Kay

A Different Type of New Year's Day

I've always loved New Year's Day. It represents a clean slate. It's a chance to start over, do things the right way, "get my act together" and stop killing myself slowly with bad habits.

I've spent previous January 1sts surrounded by a stack of  fitness magazines and notebooks, making endless lists of menu plans, workout itineraries and weekly schedules. Like many other "dieters",  I would attempt a way-too-intense workout and make a spartan meal to start the year off right. And by 9:08 a.m. on January 2nd all of the previous day's planning had been nullified by a craving and caving in to a sugary foe.

This January 1st is different. I am still planning out a weekly menu, but it's something I do all of the time now. I am still making a schedule of when I will work out this week, but that's because if I don't put it on the calendar other things can easily become "more important." What's different this year is that I understand that planning is not the Holy Grail of weight loss. Don't get me wrong, planning is important. "Failing to plan is planning to fail." We can't feed ourselves properly without having the right food in the house and making time to prepare it. But the number one thing that I need for a healthy lifestyle is my mental game plan.

This is the whole point to Brownie Rehab. Most of us are intelligent people who understand that we need to exercise and eat healthy food in order to be fit. But for compulsive or emotional eaters, this knowledge is not enough. We need to have the mental tools to help us make the right choices WHEN LIFE IS THROWING US CURVEBALLS. Menus and workout plans can't help when the kids are screaming, the checkbook is in the red, your Mother is gossiping about your cousins and the car is making a $1000 noise.

The first tool in my mental game plan is the emotional eating journal. If you don't have one, click here to read all about it. Once you've tracked your triggers for a few weeks, the next step is to pause and ask yourself "What do I REALLY need?" when you find yourself reaching for that brownie. This is the part that takes practice.

The first question to ask yourself is actually  "What am I really upset about?" The mental conversation might sound like this: "The kids are fighting and I can't take it anymore. My nerves are on edge. I don't have any patience left. I'm exhausted and raw."

The second question is "What do I really need?" The obvious answer is that you need the kids to stop fighting. But what else specifically can help the situation? Maybe the kids need some time to themselves - not necessarily a punishment, just time without their sibling to feel like they can do what they want instead of having to constantly negotiate.  It could be as simple as having one kid play in the kitchen and the other one play in the family room. 


If you keep pondering "What do I really need" you might find other answers too. Maybe you'll admit that you need some time to yourself to decompress. It's like the pre-flight instructions on a plane - put your own oxygen mask on first, before you try to take care of anyone else.  Try to get a babysitter, negotiate free time with your spouse or call another Mom that you can trade drop off playdates. You might realize that you're just physically tired and you need to force yourself to go to bed earlier instead of staying up sucking time on Facebook.

This example happened to be parenting related, but the idea is always the same. When you find yourself staring into the pantry, searching mindlessly for something you know you'll regret later... pause.  Ask yourself  "Am I actually hungry? Why am I looking for something that I know I'll feel guilty about later? Am I actually upset about something? What can I do to resolve whatever is bothering me?"

The deeper you delve into "What do I really need?", the closer you'll come to gaining control of emotional eating.

The core of emotional eating is that we eat to stifle our emotions, the same way an alcoholic drinks to escape their problems. Actually dealing with our emotions and trying to problem solve are equally, if not more, important than any menu plan or exercise routine.

Happy New Year. May this be the year that you find what you really need.

xoxo,
Kay

There's a reason why we call it "TMI"

Yes, I am alive and have not taken up residence at the bottom of a bowl of raw cake batter.  I apologize for falling into the abyss and disappearing. Thank you to those who have asked "Whatever happened to that blog you were writing?" It truly means alot to me that you are actually interested in my little "Diary of a Brownie Addict".

Honestly, I disappeared for a ridiculous reason.  I became embarrased, feeling like I shared a bit too much personal information (yes, I DO realize it's a blog.) It sounds backwards, but I have no problem sharing personal info in the interest of helping random strangers, but since many of you actually know me in real life I caught a bad case of stage fright. I think I'm officially over it now. From now on I will just picture you all in your underwear and the show will go on.

XOXO,
Kay

Opposite Day: Follow Seinfeld's lead for healthy lifestyle changes

The other day I suddenly realized that I was living in a Seinfeld episode. In "The Opposite", a waitress assumes that George will be ordering his usual lunch - tuna on toast with a cup of coffee. George's reply seems to come from a moment of spontaneous inspiration: "I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of tuna on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted ... and a cup of tea." By the end of the episode, his character has undergone an amazing metamorphosis, simply by doing the complete opposite of every instinct he has.

There are a lot of days that I feel like George. In any given week, 80% of what I eat is the same as the week before. And I could definitely say "Nothing's ever worked out for me with a bagel and cream cheese for breakfast." If I'm always eating the same things, exercising the same way and making the same excuses  - how is my body supposed to change?

My "Opposite Day" began as I pulled into the parking lot of  my local warehouse club and accidentally drove to a section that I normally never use. That's right, I'm one of those crazy people who tend to park in approximately the same place. I always enter through the same doors and shop the aisles in the same order. It's borderline OCD.

Yet on this day, a quiet voice in the back of my head whispered "I wonder what it would feel like if I parked on the other side today?" It was an odd sensation, yet it somehow felt good to shake things up.  As I entered the store, I laughed to myself and thought, "Since I parked in the wrong spot,  I might as well go through the store in reverse order too."  As I made my way down the aisles, I realized that I actually felt more awake and aware. Typically I sleepwalk through the aisles, mindlessly grabbing the same items that I always buy, but on this "Opposite Day" I found myself consciously deciding to skip the snack aisles and try some new produce.

Later that same day I realized that I was starving and running late for my next appointment. Normally, this would have meant that I'd hit the drive thru for something that I could eat quickly and neatly in my car on the way to my next stop. But since I'd now remembered the infamous Seinfeld episode, I'd mentally declared today "Opposite Day." It took a bit of arguing with myself, but I eventually drove to a fresh salad place that I rarely go to. My excuses are usually that the parking lot is a pain to navigate, the menu is unfamiliar and I don't have enough time. But on Opposite Day,  as I sat and ate my salad, I was so happy and proud of myself. The food was delicious, I made it to my next appointment on time and I felt like a whole new world was opening up before me. The best part was that I felt happy instead of guilty and sluggish. 

That afternoon I had 20 minutes to spare before picking my kids up from school. Normally I would  have sat in the school parking lot reading a magazine. But since today was rolling on as an Opposite Day success story, I parked my car in an unfamiliar neighborhood and went for an impromptu walk instead. Instead of feeling stiff and lethargic, I felt energized.

For 40 years I've eaten the same things and exercised (or not) in the same way, made the same excuses and had the same lack of results. The Seinfeld line "If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right" truly hits home for me.  My Opposite Day started off quite by accident but, like George, by the end of the day I felt like a new person. As I find myself tempted by old, bad habits I try to remind myself of how good it felt to try something new. I hope you find inspiration in it too!

Weight – Food – Behavior – Spirit

Years ago, people like my grandfather would say “Cousin Thelma has a weight problem.” Often it would be said in the same tone as “Cousin Thelma has the chicken pox.”  Well meaning relatives told Cousin Thelma to do a few calisthenics like Jack LaLane so she’d “lose the weight” and find herself a man.

A few decades later, conventional wisdom said that the real problem was the food itself. A dizzying array of conflicting reports confused us to the point of not knowing what was safe anymore.  Do you remember when bagels were the darling of the no-fat movement?  There’s not a drop of fat in them, what could be wrong!  Fast forward fifteen years and now bagels are nothing but 700 calorie behemoths that will send you into a gluten-induced death spiral. Every few years there is another food put on a pedestal, only to be sent to the chopping block later.  Don’t eat fat! Don’t eat carbs! Eat only raw food! Juice everything! If you would just follow this 28-day Fat Loss Diet, you’ll be healthier and happier! Food choice obviously matters, but even when a food plan is sane there is a giant chasm between seeing a diet printed in a book and actually following through on putting only the approved food into our mouths.

More recently experts began focusing on behaviors. Weight loss advice concentrated on when and how you ate:  Don’t eat anything after 7:00 p.m. or it will instantly turn to fat on your hips.  Fill up on soup and carrot sticks before going to a party with a tempting dessert table. Don’t go to the grocery store hungry. You can’t eat junk if it's not in your house.  While this is all sound advice, there is still a disconnect between knowing what we should be doing and actually adhering to the plan.

I am not saying that food choices and behaviors are irrelevant, but I believe that for many of us the underlying problem is a crisis of spirit.  You can interpret the word spirit in a bunch of ways, but I’ll start with a basic example. We know that certain foods are better for us then others, so why can some people consistently make good choices when others can’t?  Think back to a day when you realized that you were making healthy decisions easily and almost effortlessly. I’ll bet that it was probably a good day. For me, those days are extremely rare. But when I have those magical days where everything seems to be going right, it’s far easier to also make good food choices.

The rest of the time, when I didn’t get enough sleep, the kids are fighting, the car has a flat tire and customers are running amok at work, it’s really difficult to pay attention to how much better I’ll feel if I skip the drive-thru and eat a sensible salad for lunch. I guess that’s kind of the definition of emotional eating! But when I do things that feed my spirit, like connecting with friends, doing something nice for other people, giving my family some undivided attention and getting enough sleep and exercise, it starts a wheel in motion that naturally brings about more frequent “good days.”

Some people are comfortable taking that term spirit even further.  There is a growing trend that connects a belief in a higher power to the ability to make successful lifestyle changes. Overeater’s Anonymous (OA)  uses the same 12 step program as Alcoholics Anonymous. The foundation of both programs is believing in a higher power of your own understanding and leaning on that higher power in times of weakness.  Don’t let the term higher power scare you. For many people it’s a traditional God, but for many other people it could be the higher power of the group itself, or any other way that they envision a higher power. This is a foundation of many traditional rehab programs. I’ve included a link to OA in the resource section of this blog. If you feel like an alcoholic who eats instead of drinking, check them out.

However you wish to define spirit, it makes sense to include some spirit enhancing activities in your wellness plans. If you want to change your diet,  your spiritual state can either help or hinder your best laid plans. So if you haven’t done it already, start your emotions and eating journal. It’s the research that you need in order to take the next step in gaining control.

Lessons from the Fat Shrink - Step 1

There was a very specific reason why I named this blog Brownie Rehab. For most of my life, I've truly felt like an alcoholic who ate sugary confections instead of drinking. I frequently searched for an actual rehab, not for alcohol or drugs, but for food. I found treatment centers for anorexia or bulimia, but I never found a place just for compulsive eating. All of that changed when a good friend of mine underwent gastric bypass surgery recently. As part of her surgey, she had mandatory counseling with an eating disorder specialist. And luckily for me, she was more than willing to talk about what she learned.

The first step was to create an "Emotions and Eating journal". Now this is not your typical "track your food" advice that many dieters receive. The idea is NOT to log the day's descent from pious breakfast to afternoon binge. Instead, you are to track what you were feeling and what events were happening at the time you are eating. My friend and I were both shocked at how obvious our emotional eating was, once we started logging the correlation between events, feeling and food. Here is an example:

6:00 AM - tea, toast, peanut butter, fruit salad - house is quiet, kids are still asleep

7:00 AM - piece of cheese - making kid's lunch for school, starting to run a little late, mindlessly put it in my mouth

9:30 AM - yogurt and banana - running errands, getting alot accomplished

11:30 AM - grilled chicken sandwich - potato chips - at a restaurant and they came with the meal, so I ate them

2:30 pm - 3 cookies - boys home from school, cranky transition

2:45 pm - 3 more cookies - youngest son is having a temper tantrum and I'm trying hard to ignore it

3:30 pm - scoop of peanut butter straight out of jar - just got off phone with my Mom. She insisted on telling me all of the family gossip even though I'd rather just stay out of it.

You get the idea. I made it nice and obvious in the example above, but after a few days I really could see a blatant correlation between stress and snacking. My friend had a similar experience. A few years ago I would have told you "I'm not an emotional eater. I only eat because I'm bored, it tastes good, packaged food is easier and has a consistent taste, etc." But now I know better.  I've finally realized and admitted that I am a classic emotional eater.

Try it yourself for a few days. It might be an incredible eye opener for you. For years I felt like I had a good understanding of what I should be eating, I just didn't have the willpower to stop myself from sabotaging an otherwise healthy day. In fifteen minutes I could completely destroy ten hours of good food decisions. I was completely frustrated and angry with myself. But the emotional eating journal was truly my first step to finally finding my way to sanity.

After learning from my friend that counselors specializing in compulsive eating actually existed, I finally sought one out myself. And once I found one resource, many more resources appeared soon after. In the next few weeks I'll tell you everything that I've learned so far. If you've been spinning around the weight loss Merry-Go-Round, please follow my journey to get off the same Merry-Go-Round and reclaim my health, my body, my sanity and my life.

What Real Food Looks Like

I'm having another day where I am inspired to try something new and Mediterranean. I've always been a fan of Giada DeLaurentiis's cooking show and I've made a few recipes from her book Giada's Family Dinners. On this particular day, I decide to try a soup recipe that I've never made before.

Giada's Winter Minestrone has a few things going against it. First of all, it calls for Swiss Chard - an ingredient I have never eaten before and one that sounds bitter and far too green for my taste. Seriously, CHARD? What marketing genius devised that name?

Second of all, it calls for a Parmesan cheese rind - like I should just have a stash of them that I've saved from previous hunks that I've freshly grated over hot pasta. That idea seems as ludicrous as the low cut blouses Giada cooks in. I love her, but c'mon! A rogue splash of hot oil must have singed her bra at least once in her career.

And there is no meat! I never trust a soup recipe that doesn't start with browning some sort of pork product in the bottom of the pan. But I am in the middle of an upswing in motivation, so I step outside of my comfort zone and go for it anyway.

I head to our local Wegmans because they have a cheese counter where I'm hoping to score a leftover  Parmesan rind.  I have to ask the produce guy for help because I am leaf illiterate and couldn't find Swiss Chard. It's two dollars for a rather puny looking bunch, so I buy far less than the recipe calls for and decide that if it's good I'll buy the real amount next time. At the cheese counter I am too embarrassed to ask for any left over rinds, but I stumble upon a stack of rinds that are actually for sale. That' s right, no cheese attached, just a container of five or six Parmesan rinds, all ready for real Italian cooks. I was excited to find exactly what I needed, but the fact that it looked like they were selling what I would normally call "garbage" cracked me up. (Clearly I am easily amused.)

My usual M.O. is to buy fresh produce and then stash it in the crisper, only to throw it out weeks later when it rots and turns into a slimy green science experiment. This time I force myself to get off my butt and make the soup while I'm still inspired. I actually like to cook, so chopping vegetables and assembling a soup is relaxing to me.

Half an hour later I suck in my breath as I am struck by how absolutely gorgeous this soup looks. The best word to describe this soup  is VIBRANT. The canned tomatoes are a brilliant red and they contrast beautifully with the deep green of the Swiss Chard (which turned out to be delicious.) While marvelling over the color in my soup pot, it occurred to me that food that is good for you actually looks good too. We're not supposed to be eating beige carbohydrates out of beige cardboard boxes. We are supposed to be eating natural produce that is the color of the rainbow. Now, somebody remind me of that the next time I top a bunch of Triscuits with Wispride and attempt to call it lunch.

Score one for the Mediterranean Diet!

Channeling my inner Italian Goddess

A few days had passed since my decision to switch to a more Mediterranean diet but I still hadn't made many changes. The one small success I had was with breakfast. I discovered that Kashi GoLean cereals had a tremendous amount of fiber and protein. I  sprung for a more expensive Greek yogurt (I like Chobani) and found that mixing the cereal and yogurt together tasted great, kept my belly full and my head out of a sugar-induced fog for most of the morning.  I had found a perfect breakfast bu  I was still struggling with  lunch and dinner. 


My problems with lunch and dinner revolve around taste and timing.  First of all, I am a sugar addict! Give me breakfast foods over typical lunch foods any day of the week. French toast versus a turkey sandwich? No contest! To be  honest, I've eaten a few too many cookies, washed them down with a Coke and realized I wasn't hungry for a real lunch on way too many occasions. The reality of needing to eat actual food for lunch is an issue that I need to deal with.


By dinnertime I am usually berating myself for the terrible food choices that I've made during the day and I attempt to eat a decent meal. But I find it frustrating when many healthy recipes that I've tried over the years have gone directly from my stove into the trash. (Cous cous and lentil recipes - I am talking about you!)  


I also struggle with timing issues. I have two young children at home so lunch and dinner need to be super fast to make and preschooler-friendly.  Excuses, I know, but this is where my head is at and I feel these are probably common issues for other people too.


I want to change, I know I need to change, and I have made some easy, small changes, but lunch and dinner have always been tough for me, and I am failing miserably so far.

Then one day something wonderful happened. We got a beautiful November Saturday in the Northeast. It was warm enough to take my two sons for a long walk about town. We walked to the park and then we walked home along the ocean. The sun was shining, the boys were on their best, most adorable behavior. We were making friends with strangers, the boys were not fighting and they were listening 95% of the time. I felt so happy and alive. I found myself imagining that this is how people in the Mediterranean tend to live. They typically walk everywhere and focus on friends and family and not fixate on  food.


While we were walking home I realized that I was starving and I began to mentally plan out my lunch - something I typically don't do, even though I know it's a great way to eat better. I realized that I was actually in the mood for some nice pasta with vegetables and olives so I seized the moment to try something out of my comfort zone.

Inspired by our glorious day at the park and my Mediterranean daydreaming, I decided to forgo stressing about a recipe. Instead I scoured my pantry, channeled my long lost Italian ancestors and just winged it. I chopped cherry tomatoes, green peppers, sun dried tomatoes and Kalamata olives. I added warm pasta to the vegetables, drizzled some Extra Virgin Olive Oil and took a taste. Missing some flavor, I thought.  I added some garlic and fresh lemon juice, but it still wasn't quite right. I went back to the fridge and found a smidgen of feta cheese. Took a third taste and I swooned.  I DID IT! I created something delicious, Mediterranean inspired and full of vegetables. I ate a properly sized portion, felt full and enjoyed every single bite. I was so happy and proud of myself.


On that particular day the mental image of  walking amongst Mediterranean olive trees definitely helped to propel me in the right direction. It’s a good start. Now I  need to keep adding more mental tricks to my repertoire and build a new lifestyle, one baby step at a time.

I'm told it's very healthy

After years of bad behavior, my eating habits are catching up to me. In early November, my doctor did her best to “scare me straight” by emphasizing that my triglyceride levels were through the roof. I have two beautiful young boys and if I want to make sure that I am around to see their major life events, I need to make a serious effort to change my lifestyle.

My doctor suggested that I follow a Mediterranean Diet. My first smart-ass instinct was to wonder if I could get my insurance company to sponsor a “research trip” to the Greek Islands.  My doctor’s instructions were far less glamorous.  She told me to “Focus on fruits, vegetables and beans. Eat a little bit of meat and dairy. Most importantly, cut out refined sugar and processed foods. A few good carbs are ok, but anything out of a box will spike your triglycerides.”

 I can’t eat anything out of a box?! 80% of what I eat comes out of a box! Not only are boxed foods convenient and tasty, but I am a picky eater and boxed foods are CONSISTENT. When I open a box of crackers and spread some cheese on it, it will taste the same every single time. But when I put in twenty minutes of effort to chop a salad, at least half the time the tomatoes are flavorless or the lettuce is wilted. This is one of my hurdles to healthy eating.

I spent two weeks mulling over what the doctor said. It’s not the first time I’ve heard it. Over the past ten years various doctors have warned me that it’s time to change my ways. What’s different this time is that I am finally starting to feel the effects on my body. I am experiencing hypoglycemic episodes more frequently and they are frightening.  I’m seeing the outside of my body begin to age and I’m realizing that the changes I can’t see inside are probably sobering. I’m tired all the time. And I am so in love with my sons that I really want to be around to raise them, see them graduate college, get married, etc.

I decide to take a first easy step. I go to the liquor store and buy a bottle of red wine. Hey, it IS part of the Mediterranean diet! The people in that region famously have a few small glasses with lunch and dinner.  I am easily amused, so I am cracking myself up with how I am subverting the system by focusing on alcohol as the first step to a healthy lifestyle. Since visualizing a beautiful, sun drenched olive grove is helping to inspire me, I skip the California Wines and head straight to the Italian section. I'm normally a white wine kind of girl, so I find my favorite brand of Pinot Grigio and check out the same brand's red offerings.  

I know that change has to come, but for today, this is all I can muster. One step at a time.

Surviving the Grocery Store

 Food wars must be fought on many different fronts.  We have to learn survival skills for our home, workplace, restaurants, special occasions and the other myriad of places that food is present in our lives.  If we weren’t born with a “naturally thin” mentality, we need to have some strategies to help us gain control over our decisions.

When you gain control over the temptations lurking in the grocery store you will have achieved a major step towards a new you! If there is a bag of potato chips sitting in my pantry I will have to be strong every single time I step into the kitchen. With two small kids and a husband to feed, that means I will have to summon up willpower at least five to ten times a day. Honestly, why torture myself? It’s much better if the bag doesn’t even make it into my house.  We’ll talk another time about techniques for keeping junk food in the house for family members who insist on it, but today I want to talk strategies for those of us who really are tired of beating ourselves up for hiding in the pantry shoving Mallomars in our cheeks.

·         Make sure you are in the right frame of mind before entering the store. We are all busy and food shopping can typically be a stressful, rushed, hated chore. If I head into a store when I am tired, hungry or upset I will end up with a cart full of junk almost every time.  This is probably the hardest strategy to control, but it is supremely important. 

Before you get into the car, check in with yourself. Are you in a good frame of mind? Or are you pretty sure that a pint of chocolate chip mint is calling your name right now? If you realize that you should not be setting foot anywhere near an aisle full of chocolate, do yourself a favor and turn the car around and go home.

If this is a chronic issue, try using one of the awesome new shop at home services like Peapod. (www.peapod.com) For ten bucks you can shop in your pajamas in the middle of the night when you have some peace and quiet and they will deliver it right to your house the next day.  Prefer to support your local grocery store? Check with them – many are offering a similar “shop online and come pick it up in the store” program.  Don’t think online shopping is for you? Try it once or twice  - you might never step foot in a store again!

·         Imagine that you are a racehorse with blinders on.  Sometimes we have no choice but to enter the store. We ran out of milk, the baby needs diapers, and we have nothing for dinner. When I first started seriously trying to reign in my eating habits, someone gave me this bit of advice. I felt kind of silly, but I literally would look down at the floor and put my hand up besides my eye when I knew I was passing by the candy, chip or ice cream aisles.  You could even take it a step further and mentally chant “I am Seabiscuit” in your head if that helps.  In fact, I wish I had those blinders on for real sometimes.

·         Imagine you just saw a guy on the beach in a Speedo. Why is it that most men who seem to don the famous swimsuit are usually the kind that shouldn’t?  If the racehorse image didn’t appeal to you, find another horrifying image that does.  The idea is to mentally scream “Avert your eyes! OMG I’m blind!” to avoid spotting those grocery items you just can’t resist. The other day I spotted a gigantic poster that screamed “Brownie Tray only $5.99!” as I entered the store and I almost gave myself whiplash trying to look away from the luscious Kryptonite.

·         Make a list and stick to it. This is usually the first piece of advice that nutritionists will give you. It makes a ton of sense.  If you are not wandering the aisles you will be less likely to say “Hmmm…that macaroni salad looks delicious!” Make a shopping list and if you spot something decadent, remind yourself that you are only buying what’s on your list today. And no, bringing a pen and adding “lollipops” to the list while you’re at the store is not allowed.

·         Shop the perimeter.  This is usually the second piece of advice that weight loss professionals give. It also makes a tremendous amount of sense. The perimeter of the store is typically where all of the fresh food is: fruit, vegetables, meat, fish, milk, eggs, etc. This is usually the healthy fare that will help you achieve your goals. I think of the center of the store as a minefield full of packaged,  high fructose corn syrup bombs waiting to erupt. That’s not to say that I don’t wander through the middle of the store – a girl needs salad dressing and Triscuits occasionally. But as I enter the “wasteland” section, I mentally put my guard up. And be forewarned that the “safe perimeter” is only a guideline since items like bacon and hot dogs lurk on the perimeter and they are not nutritional darlings.

·         Leave the kids home or find a store with childcare This goes along with “make sure you are in the right frame of mind before entering the store.” I have two small boys and I know it is really difficult to find the time to shop without them. But try making a few phone calls to your local grocery stores.  You might find one that has a free or low cost playroom and decide that it’s worth driving an extra ten minutes if you can shop in peace!  If your town hasn’t caught on to this phenomenon yet, maybe you could get together with some other local moms and suggest it to the manager. You can tell them that it’s a great way to attract new shoppers! I drive fifteen minutes out of my way for a childcare room and am forever devoted to our new grocery store.   

Well, those are my top tips for keeping junk from hopping into your grocery cart. Now it’s your turn: sound off in the comments and share what works for you at the store.

I am probably alot like you!

I have been at war with my body since the fourth grade.  Like so many women, I have watched my body  betray me by expanding  and sagging. I look in the mirror and think “How the hell did I let this happen?” I have read dozens of weight loss books and fitness magazines. My mother and I were charter  subscribers to Shape Magazine in the  1980’s. I’ve made countless menu plans, shopping lists and workout plans, only to mercilessly berate myself when I ignore them.  I’ve been to Weight Watchers meetings, weight loss hypnosis seminars, nutritionists and personal trainers. I’ve “donated” at countless gyms.  I’ve had doctors tell me that I am going to start paying for my  dietary misbehavior sooner rather than later.  I am probably a lot like you.

I’ve learned a lot about what I should be doing to lose weight. Most of us know what we’re supposed to eat, how often we’re supposed to exercise.  But after thirty years of beating myself up for failure, I’m searching for the answers to how. The diet industry tends to focus on menu and workout planning.  Magazine articles feature titles like: “Amazing Three Week Fat Loss Diet!”  “Six Weeks to a Bikini-Ready Body!”  Why my problems are solved! I had no idea that I should be eating a grilled chicken salad for lunch and not six Oreos, a bagel and a Diet Coke!  

Well meaning friends and relatives will offer advice like “You know what you should do? You should just take a walk three times a week.”  “Drink more water.” “Eat lean meat and vegetables.”  Naturally thin people have a hard time understanding why the rest of us don’t choose to eat salmon more often than pizza.  We will have a long discussion about that on another day.

No, I am all too aware of what I SHOULD be doing. What I need is an electronic collar that will zap me when I walk into my pantry four times in an hour and grab three cookies each time.  I’ve always been looking for someone to teach me how to MAKE MYSELF do what needs to be done.  I’ve needed  advice on winning the mental part of weight loss.

If I were a smoker, I’d get the patch. If I were an alcoholic, I could go to rehab. But when we are addicted to food, it’s like being told that we’re allowed to have three small glasses of wine a day, but no more!  We have to eat, we can’t avoid it like other addictions. So that means we have to learn control. Control comes easily for some people. I’m not one of them!

For the past few months, I have slowly begun to find the advice I’ve been searching for.  My goal for this blog is to share it with you, thereby reinforcing it for myself! I also want this to be a place for idea exchanges. If you have a technique that you’ve learned to help you make the best choices, share it! I’m also planning to feature inspiring stories from real women who have lost weight the old fashioned way – through learning to change long ingrained habits.  I have two friends who have been major inspirations to me this year – look for their stories soon!